Interpersonal Potentiality (in action) Pt. 3
Part 1 covered the basic updated framework.
Part 2 focused on understanding abusive relationships and trauma.
Part 3 is dedicated to using the framework specifically in abusive relationship dynamics. Applying it can help us better understand ourselves, our relationships, and actively become who we choose to be.
An important note for dangerous situations
Some of us may be in a circumstance we can’t currently escape from. These situations can shrink our ability to act on our choices. The immediate priority is survival through it, and to ultimately get to safety.
If this is what you’re going through, know that it’s not your fault and not deserved. Know that there are others who will believe you and help you find pathways when you’re ready. It’s okay to do what you have to do to survive. It’s okay to need help, and often times external sources of help are necessary.
Resources for this are listed at the end.
Step 1. Reconnecting with Self.
Reflecting & living aligned with ourselves
Feel free to grab a pen and paper to journal, or even just take your time exploring in the solitude of your mind.
Personal potential:
- What potentials do I recognize within me?
- Which are inherent, and which have been shaped by circumstance?
(Don’t worry if the second question feels hard to pin down.) The lines are blurry, and that’s natural. Contemplate for a bit, explore your thoughts, but don’t let it get you stuck.
Choice:
- What potentials am I actively choosing and strengthening in my actions?
- Do I want those potentials to define me?
- Which are conscious choices aligned with my sense of self, and which were unacknowledged?
Agency:
- Are there circumstances that I haven’t consciously chosen? (Examples: trauma responses, learned helplessness)
- Now that I’m aware of them, what’s one small choice I could make differently to move toward a more authentic potential?
Step 2. Finding clarity.
Analyzing & evaluating relational dynamics
Through our interpersonal lens of potential, we can gain some much needed clarity on our relationships. This is especially helpful for harmful and complicated ones.
Chosen reality:
First, examine the other.
Focus on the potentials within them that they consistently choose. That is who they choose to be, and it is reality. The good and bad both exist, but there’s something more important here.
Observe their actions. If they choose harm 90% of the time, their 10% good doesn’t erase the impact of their choices.
- What potentials does the person actively and repeatedly choose to embody?
- What are the tangible results of their choices, both for themselves and for me?
Relational impact:
How do their chosen potentials impact you?
- What circumstantial potentials have been created in me as a result of the relationship?
- Has the relationship diminished positive potentials in me and strengthened negative ones? Has it made me feel like I’ve lost myself?
Examples
Gaslighting and aggression might cause decreased confidence and increased anxiety.
A partner that breaks promises might erode potential for hope or trust, even outside of the relationship.
The overwhelming stress of the relationship might impact social capacities, or even specific close bonds with others.
Acceptance:
We have to acknowledge the limits of our choice, as we cannot choose for another person. Deeply engrained, chosen patterns to inflict harm on us are chosen by the one inflicting it.
No amount of compassionate nurturing or understanding can force them to choose their brighter potential if they’re unwilling. We’ve likely seen this from experience.
By observing their choices, it becomes clear who they choose to be.
Your choice lies in how you respond to the reality of their choices.
Step 3. Unlocking the chains.
Reclaiming our path and making difficult choices
This is primarily for those of us dealing with or healing from abusive and traumatic relationships. With clarity and acknowledgement we can find our paths forward, protect ourselves, and heal.
Consider this a love letter from me to you.
You are not a bad person for reacting when being actively traumatized.
The “reasoning” behind someone abusing you is simply that they chose to, nothing excuses or justifies it.
The impacts on YOU matter infinitely more than someone’s possible excuse for it.
You matter, and you deserve to heal.
Reaction vs choice:
Unconscious trauma responses (a circumstantial potential activated by duress) are very different than a pattern of chosen, proactive abuse.
One is a reflex to being harmed, the other is a choice to inflict harm.
This is extremely important to contemplate, understand, and internalize to release false guilt.
If another has repeatedly chosen to harm you, your reactions to prolonged abuse can feel starkly out of character. That’s because they are.
Focus on impact, rather than intent:
When harm is ongoing, it’s easy to get trapped in a loop of trying to understand the “why” behind the other’s actions.
When it comes to abuse and the person choosing to continually inflict harm, it’s no longer important to understand the possible pain behind their actions.
While compassion and understanding is a wonderful trait, it’s lacking in those who choose to abuse others. And that compassion also has to be given to the self.
An abuser’s possible reasoning is not your own, it’s not your fault, and it’s not an excuse.
The primary focus must shift to the impact the behavior has on you.
Choose your own potential:
Ultimately, a question will need to be faced and answered. Whose potential do you choose?
You can’t choose the other persons path. You can only choose your own.
Doing this consciously means making choices that align with the person you want to be and the life you want to live, even when the choice is painstakingly hard. Even when your choice can’t fully be put into action yet, as abusive dynamics can be hard to escape. Each small step, each inner choice, and each plan you make adds up.
This means redirecting your energy from trying to nurture their unchosen potential, to actively nurturing your own. Your love, empathy, and understanding is something you’re deserving of.
Don’t let your hope funnel into someone’s hypothetical change.
Hope is fuel.
Pour it into your healing.
Focus it where it belongs,
on the person fighting to choose their brightest self,
the person who deserves it.
You.
Resources
If you’re in a harmful situation and can’t see a way out, there are some resources that can help.
This list is geared toward helping with domestic abuse. Resources are listed for US, Canada, UK, and Australia.
Many of the websites also have resources on how to help others if you believe they’re being abused. These are just some starting points.
Tech Safety Guide
Covers various digital and technological strategies to stay safe and protect privacy.
https://www.expressvpn.com/blog/tech-safety-for-survivors-of-domestic-violence/
USA
US Domestic Violence Hotline
The website has a chat option.
Call: 1-800-799-7233
Text: text “START” to 88788
US List of Resources (DOJ)
There are national resources listed at the top. You can sort by state.
*they are not exhaustive lists per state
US List of Financial Resources (GoodRx)
Many of the financial resources listed offer other services as well.
https://www.goodrx.com/well-being/relationships/financial-assistance-domestic-violence-victims
Canada
Canada List of Resources
Find family violence resources and services in your area – Canada.ca
Canada Resources for Women by Location
Find Help Across Canada – CCFWE
Canada List of Resources (Comprehensive)
Includes several helplines and resources for physical and emotional support, listed by location
UK
UK National Helpline
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
The website has a chat option
24/7 Call: 0808-2000-247
UK List of Resources
(UK-wide, England, Northern Ireland, Scotland, and Wales)
Domestic abuse: how to get help – GOV.UK
Australia
Australia Resources
1800RESPECT Service Directory | 1800RESPECT
The website has a chat and video option
Call: 1800 737 732
Text “Hello” to 0458737732
Australia List of Resources for Men