A REASONABLE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEMS FACING EARTH
DEE’s PUBLIC RELEASE REPORT
The Department of Environmental Efficiency (DEE)’s is an Earth-First government department. Its mission is to find, downsize, and eliminate waste in our homeland. Businesses and citizens alike have been plagued by waste. DEE’s proposal eliminates these issues, without wasting any tax dollars on government hand-outs. The Department’s groundbreaking methods have led to historic solutions.
The Department of Environmental Efficiency offers a modest, reasonable fix:
Implement scheduled waste removal to a Martian dump site.
DEE’s PLEDGE
Like a degrading ziplock bag in a landfill, DEE aims for transparency. Like the microplastics accumulated in human brains, DEE persists. The Department’s ultimate hope is that the solutions offered might too linger in citizens’ brains.
In short, DEE is committed to delivering the Truth™. This public report includes real problems, processes, and the ultimate solution.
THE PROBLEM
There is a hidden enemy contaminating and ruining our land beyond measure.
THE ENEMY LURKING IN OUR HOMELAND
Most of these criminal substances do not pass Earth Customs.
Residency Standards have been established for such materials on Earth, which have also not been met.
Some of these materials may appear harmless, but they are invaders hidden in plain sight.
THE NEW NORMAL
These unnatural substances have tarnished our once-safe communities. Their filth has poisoned our water, our air, our soil. They’ve taken over our neighborhoods, workplaces, and even infested our brains without our knowledge.
Their constant presence intends to force our acceptance of them as a “normal” part of our culture. No More!
SAVE THE CHILDREN!
They loiter in our schools and parks uninvited, just waiting to infect our youth. Many have expressed their concerns for the children of this beautiful planet. Our children must be protected from this great evil.
DEE hears these cries and responds with action. Enough is enough!
A MODEST AND REASONABLE SOLUTION
Earth’s problems have been solved the True American Way: privatize the rockets, criminalize the trash, and ship the problem offshore (cosmically).
It’s time to clean up the streets! Forever chemicals? Not on my planet!
Why suffer with our burning dumpster fire when outsourcing exists? Pollution? Toxins? Get outta here!
Mars is already the red planet. Even in the clearest night skies Mars won’t blush at our trash. Send it to Mars & forgetaboutit!™
Say goodbye to garbage eyesores and criminal-level environmental poisons. With our proposal, it’s out of sight, out of mind.
DEBUNKING DOUBTERS
Public Comment 45: “Isn’t dumping our trash on another planet morally wrong?”
A: DEE recognizes this commenter’s passionate concern for moral correctness. We invite all to read the section titled “ALIEN ETHICS” in this report.
Although there is nothing on Mars in need of protection or concern, we will still ensure that all dumping is done ethically. To honor interplanetary environmental justice, we will file any and all required paperwork before contaminating a lifeless world.
Public Comment 47: “Sending trash to Mars?! DEE’s nuts!”
A: We at DEE (The Department of Environmental Efficiency) ask this commenter to pause, take a deep breath, and touch grass.
While taking in those relaxing breaths of fresh air, remember that the air humans breathe is not available on Mars. Neither is grass. And neither are we.
Despite this commenter’s defamatory label of insanity (‘DEE’s nuts!’), we will not shrink down or shrivel in the face of it. We remain firm in our claim, it’s a perfect dump site.
ALIEN ETHICS
The benefits are clear and undeniable. Still, some will choose to remain unsatisfied. DEE has been thorough in this process, and the ethics are proven absolutely.
Some ruminate about possibilities of alien life on Mars. This misguided approach might even appear to be “ethical” and “empathetic.”
The Truth™ is evident from decades of robot exploration on Mars. Life does NOT exist on the red planet. While this may be disappointing news to some, it’s truly a wonderful thing. What damage could we do to an unlivable planet? NO LIFE = NO HARM NO FOUL.
“What about the aliens” questioning hides behind a sinister motive.
Instead of recognizing the greatness we could achieve, the focus remains on imaginary problems and fake aliens. This position comes from a lack of human empathy and a lack of common sense. Where is their care for our citizens, our trash?
DEE recognizes the Truth™. DEE Cares. Most citizens agree and ask excitedly about policy. As such, we’ve created clear policy guidelines for removal.
DEPORTATION POLICY
Unfit materials will not be tolerated on our soil. This illegal garbage is criminal. DEE is tough on crime and supports a zero-tolerance policy:
Materials that fail Earth Customs will be subject to Removal Orders and processed duly for deportation to the Martian containment zone.
Persistent chemical offenders taking residence on Earth will have their permits revoked and be deported to Mars, regardless of origin, at the creator’s expense.
We prove commitment with action. Send it to Mars & forgetaboutit!™
And who knows, regular dump runs may reveal something useful on the red planet, say Martian oil. We will take that under advisement if it arises. Any discoveries of extractable resources during waste runs will not affect the deportation schedule.
SPACE TRASH CONTRACTORS
PREFERRED PRIMARY CONTRACTOR
SpaceX is a primary choice to pioneer this groundbreaking project. This Earth-based company has a prominent interest in Mars colonization. They’ve continually made investments toward such goals.
Obviously, Earthlings cannot live or breathe on Mars naturally. The theoretical infrastructure needed is unlikely to be profitable for investors. Mars trash shuttles would be a different story.
During public-funded trash runs, they could also collect exploratory information for their own interests. Stocks would soar far past the moon, rewarding the company and investors all over the world.
SpaceX, as a space garbage transport company, would become unthinkably profitable on Earth and Mars.
PROPOSED SUPPORTING CONTRACTORS
Blue Origin is a potential candidate. This commercial space launch company has enjoyed the benefits of contract government funding, as well as celebrity-funded rocket excursions. Blue Origin – Red Destination.
In a supporting role to SpaceX, Blue Origin would find additional fame and profit from expanding into the space garbage business.
Boeing is another potential candidate. Many Earth citizens have joked “If it’s a Boeing, I ain’t going!” In our scenario, this concern would no longer exist, as the spacecraft would be filled with the least-precious materials on Earth. To ensure confidence we will also implement a Crash-to-Cash ratio, available to Boeing investors.
Perhaps public opinion would even shift toward “If it’s a Boeing, the trash is going!”
MAKE WASTE SPACE AGAIN
Of course, logistically delivering our toxic trash to Mars will be gradual, even with the best contractors. We can’t load a million tons of trash into a space ship (yet). But we can start with trips. We can take batches of trash out of our home and spread that toxicity out to another planet. An added benefit is that this project will likely propel space innovation forward as businesses strive for global power and financial rewards.
WASTE DISPOSAL STANDARDS
Standards will be implemented gradually, but permanently, beginning in phase one. This ensures that efforts of planetary waste disposal will not be in vain.
A public poison tax will be put in place for these materials. The funds will go toward enforcement, cleanup efforts, and the pioneering of space garbage disposal.
Companies will be required to reach benchmarks in gradual phases. Standards for corporate entities will be set with compassionate understanding of their difficulties. Benchmarks will be set with ample time to reduce contributions to the toxic waste problem.
Incentives like public poison tax cuts and rebates will be offered to companies that meet the gradual benchmark standards. Compliant companies will also receive waivers for any Martian oil import tariffs.
All parties win. Blasting rockets of trash to Mars will give both the planet and the manufacturers of toxins a bit of leeway.
PHASE ONE
Phase one is a continual phase dedicated to Martian setup and Earth-based cleanups.
Before or during the first shipment, the first dedicated garbage robot will be sent to Mars. This robot will have the capabilities of moving, sorting, cataloging, and photographing the garbage in its new home. The first robot will prepare the determined disposal site and deal with the garbage. Over time, more robots will be sent.
Cleanup efforts will focus on large, water-based issues during this phase. One of the focus issues might be the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Covering a massive 620,000 square miles of ocean, this floating patch of trash would be a great candidate.
We will continue scientific advancements in new, innovative ways. Methods will be developed to condense trash into buildable forms, with efficiency prioritized.
As phase one projects continue and garbage is rocketed away, the cleanup focus will gradually shift. We will move toward maintenance for each completed cleanup, and work down the list of priorities.
PHASE TWO
During phase two, the first phase projects will remain in action, and standards will continue to increase. This phase also comes with a treat for all of humanity.
We will begin by sending a fleet of specialized robots to Mars. These robots will be equipped to build grand structures.
On Earth, the second phase is an addition that focuses on more widespread, less intensive issues. Here, we will prioritize sorting and removing high-volume, low-mass plastics. As our garbage technology develops, these materials will be ideal for rollout. They will be aggregated into bricks for ease of space shipment.
Upon arrival on Mars, our fleet of robots will organize and stack our garbage bricks. Then, the robots will catalog and photograph our new Martian monument. This will be a moment of global pride on Earth.
PHASE THREE
In this phase we will continue making Mars bricks, utilizing more materials as possible.
Our focus areas during the third phase are unusable e-waste, industrial waste, and fashion waste.
One area of focus would be the vast trash mountains of fast fashion clothing items, such as in Chile’s Atacama Desert. Growing by tens of thousands of tons per year, it’s so enormous it can even be seen from space. It’s unattractive, contaminates the ground, and poisons the air if burned. As such, landfills like these would be ideal candidates for relocation to Mars.
OUR BIG, BEAUTIFUL FUTURE
We will continually strive to export our toxic waste, and in the process we will create structures to be celebrated for millennia to come.
Earth’s eyesore mountains and heaps of waste will create beauty on another planet. As we look to the future, the image of our greatness comes more and more into focus.
A PICTURE OF THE FUTURE: WE DID IT!
Through the hazy atmosphere of Mars, inspiring structures and distant Martian oil rigs burst into view. Robots scurry and work in unison to build and maintain our monuments. Grand statues made of trash. Soaring skyscrapers forged from the bricks of our waste. Structures so intricate and towering that even advanced alien societies would be in awe at their scale.
This beautiful future is one that we ask the public to consider. Imagine the new world of Mars. A lifeless planet marked eternally by our hands, densely filled to its max capacity with our creations. This is a future where we applaud our distant robots’ photographs, and otherwise maintain our worldwide motto: out of sight, out of mind.
SEND IT TO MARS & FORGETABOUTIT!™
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REQUIRED DISCLOSURES (PUBLIC—IGNORE)
VARIABLES CONSIDERED
Our process was holistic in nature. Many variables were considered to determine the best immediate path forward.
These include, but are not limited to:
- Financial and business interests, such as trading and private investments.
- Current political climate, including political promises to donors, etc.
- Current social climate, narrative control, and public opinion.
- The tangibly cumulative and devastating effects on Earth.
Based on these points and many others, DEE found the most ideal and reasonable solution.
FINANCIAL INTEREST DISCLOSURE
The Director of the Department of Environmental Efficiency is the primary owner of [REDACTED], a suggested company listed in this report, and an active shareholder of others.
The Director has received gifts of [REDACTED] value from parties associated with the aforementioned companies and various sectors.
Roughly 90-95% of Senior Staff are active shareholders of the sectors and specific companies suggested for government contract funding in this report.
To maintain financial ethics, the Director has remained strictly in the role of directing staff efficiently. The Director has not attempted to bias, unethically influence, or unilaterally control the Department’s processes.
Neither shareholder status nor gifts received have impacted any information contained in this report. Facts remain facts regardless.